HUD speech remix
Just in on FAUXNews: Dr. Ben Carson remixes his next (improved) staff sermon from his mount, during the 100 days of the dystopian state. (some of those people didn’t seem to get the last one).
Secretary Carson steps to podium. Clears throat. Takes sip of water (NOT imported from #Flint, though), and begins:
“Wow, this is the same room where I spoke before, but it looks larger than last time. Extra chairs to give us more seat choices — nice! Thank you to whomever set this up. For those who didn’t move on to different (not necessarily better, I’m told) opportunities, after my last pep talk, thank you for coming back today. As HUD secretary, I will redefine the chronically unemployed as a sustainable volunteer pool. They will enjoy this time off. I know I have enjoyed my time out of the operating room. Look at me, I’ve run for president and now I’m a secretary of the public housing I came from. And, I have some of the most gifted hands a secretary could have. As a testament to the wonders of public housing and avoiding a pesky juvenile stabbing case, I stand before you today as a witness to what can be — if you put your minds to it.
People living in deplorable housing projects (like I once did) will celebrate being dwellers of discount housing in some of our most expensive cities — lucky them. They have lower rents and special amenities that wealthy people won’t have access to. And if they have to move our, thanks to those business developers and great gentrifiers, they will get to discover new lands, just like Christopher Columbus did when he found a barren and empty land we now call America.
I should be committed, I mean, I STAND committed to this work. I will stand, hand-in-hand, clavicle-to-clavicle, with Betsy and Donald to lift up the under-lifted and make their charter schools (if they can get in) and borders (if they can climb over) great rites of passage, to help build stamina and grit. We will use school choice to improve HBCUs and educate those people, just as the great forefathers wished to see. Great leaders like Andrew Jackson and George Wallace, who demanded equality and justice for all.
Remember I used to be a renowned neurosurgeon, so you should trust me and anything I say. And, if you still see things negatively, I can help rewire your mind so you can see things better — through permanent rose-colored glasses. If you read my book Gifted Hands, you might want to see my sequel, which went straight to the big screen, called #GetOut.
As HUD secretary, I will urge America to embrace these ideals, as any nation of voluntary and awesomer involuntary immigrants should. Affordable housing is only for those who can’t afford housing.
I so believe this, I wrote this part before I came to the stage, and with the help of my dear friend, Melanie. Yes, I can heal the world. Together, we can make it a better place; for you, for me, for the entire human race. Yes, we can. Because, when the rest of the world goes low, we will go high. Let’s go together in truth and the American way. We hold these truths to be certifiable, so that certificate means it’s good. Thank you and good day!” #DrBenCarson
(Alabama state flag unfurls and Mrs. Carson sings the Battle Hymn of the Republic. Carson looks for his key to the HUD.)
Tweet from 45 called the speech the “BIGGLIEST ever!”